Brittni Elizabeth Collins

I’m sorry, I don’t want a loser in my son’s life.

I don’t want a druggie in my son’s life.

I don’t want a immature kid in my son’s life.

I don’t want a worthless piece of shit in my son’s life.

I don’t want an asshole in my son’s life.

I don’t want a loser drop-out in my son’s life.

I don’t want someone who can’t care about my son in my son’s life.

If you can’t bother to grow up and care about him, I can’t bother to let you in either of our lives. <3

I’m going to make a post all about confession, it’s the sort of thing I store deep inside but since nobody is on my tumblr or even reads it I thought why not let it all out.

I love my son’s father, I really do, I think I’m so afraid of getting hurt again that I won’t take the chance. I see him happy with someone else and it KILLS me, but I am glad he is happy, it’s all I ever wanted, I told him he would find someone better and he did, as much as it hurts me It’s good to know that he is happy.

There is one major reason why I would never take him back, well two. One he destroyed me so bad, He has no clue of how much he hurt me with the crap he has said to me and even months late how it replays in my head everyday making me feel like total shit about myself. the other reason is my son, if he can’t bother to ask how he is, if needs anything, or to even see him but can ask to see me? Has time to see his girlfriend and even IGNORE us at the mall then he isn’t worth either of our time.

Being a mommy isn’t always easy, it’s not hard at all either though. It’s just sometimes it gets to you, your “friends” never ask to hangout anymore, like you even have the time, you see your “best” friends maybe once a month if your lucky, you have a million things to do and like no time to do it, but honestly I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I cry almost daily, sometimes about stupid stuff. Either I miss someone who has passed away or just isn’t in my life anymore, or sometimes I just look in the mirror and cry because i hate what I look like. I hate it, that’s why for once I’m doing something about it, I’m working out, going to tan and even dye my hair. I’m learning to control my emotions more and more ever day. 

I feel guilty leaving Braxtyn EVER. Even if it just to go to school or something else that will better his life, It makes me feel bad.

I don’t know why but I listen to the negative comments 100X more than the positive comments.

I didn’t know this post would make me tear up a bit.

I smile when I see a baby, I miss when my little man was well little now he is getting so big its unreal..

I really should be doing my hair right now.

I want to go back and just enjoy the time I had with people more, I thought it would never end the perfection of our little “family” would never end, the long sleepless night, the cuddling, the partying and having fun. I thought we would always be like that and now that I know different I wish I would of enjoyed it all more.

I have to go because well I need to get ready for my day. I may just do this again(: 

My son is my world, I’d do anything for him, I’d lie for him, I’d kill for him and I’d even die for him if it came down to it. His father may not love or care about him enough, but he has a mother that would do anything just to see that precious father. I’ll admit I get down from time to time. I want to cry and scream and just be alone, but then I remember even though he has destroyed me internally and I even think did it intentionally, he gave me the one thing that is worth being alive for. He gave me something that puts the sunshine through on my rainy days, he gave me the best thing i could of ever asked for my son. Yes, I miss him like crazy. Yes, I want our perfection back. Yes, I love him. Yes, I actually do want him back. But if he can’t grow up and care about what is supposed to be OUR son then he doesn’t deserve my little man or me. Sometimes things get too rough, sometimes I just want to die, sometimes I just curl in a ball and cry but that one thing always brings me back up, my son <3

I would of helped you out, I would of helped you through it, but you ruined that oh so  quickly, maybe if you didn’t treat people like shit all the time, they wouldn’t treat you like the piece of shit you are. 

I just wish you would understand, i’m not just a heartless bitch, you hurt me then I put a guard up, I was scared and alone. You didn’t understand and either did I, but it’s not fair of you to think of me as heartless. I’m not messing with your relationship, wanna know why? Because YOUR happy and that’s what’s important. I love you enough to let you be happy even if it isn’t with me. I know you regret our relationship, you regret ever asking me out, but I don’t. You gave me some of the best times of my life, where I felt comfortable for once, how could I regret the smiles? how happy we used to be? I could never regret that. I know you hate me now, but I don’t hate you I do love you and I always will. Cause if you love someone you always do or never did. I know you don’t think of me or miss me, but I miss you. I’m not sure i’ll ever stop missing you but i’ll try. I know you’re happier now, and that is awesome, i’m glad you moved on and found someone better just like I said you would but I’m not happier, I have alot going for me, I have so much to be thankful but the thoughts of what we used to be depress me, i’m moving forward but it’s not so easy. I know I hide my feelings but it’s cause I always get hurt, and I know you do too but you never looked at from my point of view what was I supposed to do? I’m sorry for the words, sorry for the pain. I’m sorry you were never happy with me, I’m sorry that we ever happened, even though it caused me so much pain I love that we were once perfect but I guess you see it differently.. now only if I could said this to you instead of venting on tumblr :/